Have you ever seen anyone stand up in church and give a testimony with the following outline?

I became a Christian when I was 14
I struggled in college with temptation, liquor, gambling, and just not having enough time for God
I didn't think much about my relationship with Jesus for about 2 years after graduation
Last year I had an awsome, renewing experience working with troubled youth, took a vow of abstinance, and have been praying daily for direction regarding my next adventure.

Okay, now try this one.

I became a Christian when I was 14
I struggled in college with temptation, liquor, gambling, and just not having enough time for God
I didn't think much about my relationship with Jesus for about 2 years after graduation
Last year I had an awsome, renewing experience working with troubled youth, took a vow of abstinance, and have been praying daily for direction regarding my next adventure.
Now, however, I don't actually believe in God. It causes me no end of grief to realize that everything I believed was a lie, but really, we are nothing but primates who have evolved to feel guilt and enjoy storytelling.

If you have heard someone give a testimony while in the process of giving up religion, while they are feeling short on faith, or maybe just when they're feeling resentful to God and to to the Church for asking them to give up something they love, I think you're lucky.

I've heard people ask for prayer, say that they are "going through a dry spell", or talk about how "they need to light the fire again". But I've never seen anyone truly believe that it is the end, stand up in church and admit exactly what they are feeling.

Is this because we need to show others encouragement? Paint a pretty picture of faith? Get one more convert, one more sucker to think that they are going to experience peace on this earth, then recieve eternal life?

I create posts for this blog once a month, or in sudden bursts of writing. This could indicate that I am working, travelling, and otherwise too busy to enter even a sentence in thought each night, or I could be just like any other Christian, and only talk about the relationship when its going well.

I'll admit it. I don't talk about God when I suspect that my words will not serve to build others up. And that's bullshit. That's not real. Here's what is, and here is the cause for my silence.

I do not actually believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I just wish he had