Inshallah, and the Lord's Prayer

I talked to a Christian guy about Islam, and he said he couldn't do it. "You don't understand. They simply believe that they must surrender everything to God, and that everything that happens is from God, and they don't really question anything. They just submit. I couldn't do that."

I actually used the term "Inshallah" (If it is the will of Allah) for any future plan that involved travelling from one side of Karachi to the other in any form of motorised transport, or for any plan which involved me getting an Iranian visa. "Next month you are going to ride a bicycle to Teheran?" "Inshallah."
I like the word. It puts more humility into the act of describing what great thing you plan on doing tomorrow or next month or next year. Or in the case of Iran, maybe in 5 years.

But lets look at how the followers of Christ are supposed to pray.

Our Father which art in heaven,Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from evil:

For thine is the kingdom,and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

--- Matthew 6:9-13 - KJV (I don't actually have this version in hard copy; I googled it. If this is incorrect please forgive me my tresspasses)

Alright, what is the Christ-follower supposed to do? Besides absentmindedly saying or singing this once a week?

1) Address God, in heaven, and exalt his name above all else
2) Submit and surrender entirely to the will of God on heaven and earth
3)Ask for God to provide the needs for this work that he deems necessary
4)Ask for forgiveness where we have strayed from his devine plan
5) Ask for deliverance, that we will not stray again

This is what, above all else, he should ask his creator to provide.

Am I going to become a Christian?

No, you don't understand. They simply believe that they must surrender everything to God, and that everything that happens is from God, and they don't really question anything. They just submit. I couldn't do that.

Alright, for all the long-winded Church-Channel bashing, I do have to give one speaker credit.
Sage advice from a very well-trained dynamic and well-dressed black guy:

How do you find your ministry? Its easy. Your ministry is your misery. Thats right. Your Ministry is your misery. Take a look at what pisses you off. Annoyed that everyone is always late and the office is a mess? Maybe your gift is administration. Annoyed that the singer is off key? Your gift is music.

So maybe my hatred for Televangelists preying on the weak is my call to help them. Start visiting little old ladies and babysitting for stressed out church moms so they can shut off the idiot box and have a little social interaction.

And maybe my hatred for overpriced reference material, books, CDs, DVDs means I should do something to establish a Christian library in my community where people can pay something silly like $10 once for the card then borrow stuff, even the latest stuff from a Californian mega-church, for free.

Maybe running away is not the way to fight the more intolerant and intolerable Christian elements. Now, if only I was actually convinced that there is a God at all...

Pray for televangelists
(I mean, Prey for televangelists)

So I'm in a sub-siberian foriegn city. I don't speak the language, I'm dangerously ill, the doctor has done a number of tests and told me nothing remotely encouraging in fact everything she told me was in Russian, later translated to "You are getting better, but have been very very ill. Do not leave your home, take these pills for 15 days, then return to Canada." Of course I can not return to Canada, I have no home in Canada, I have no job, and its winter. (Of course I have no job in Bishkek and no home here either, but the rent is only $4 / day)

Of course, being lonely and bored and worried and wanting to get my mind off things, I turn to the TV. 2 days of Al Jazeera and BBC informing me that "Obama is in China" have me bored enough to turn to Church Channel, the only other English-language programme.

Here is what I learned after a day of watching Church Channel:

For $100 to Master's Touch Ministries Global, I will "see a tangible blessing" Any call or pledge to TBN network will get me a golden-domed creche with Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, For $35 or more I can recieve "Biblical dietary laws" and, while supplies last, Free! Adrenal supplement. To help children, call 1-800-947-LIFE, take out your bank card, and donate $30, 50, or 100. Recieve a special blue and gold christmas throw. For one thousand dollars, I can feed 100 childern, and will recieve a bronze sculpture!
The Tabernacle prayer method (which seemed sound btw, but the programme was all frosting and no meat and potatos. To get the substance of the teaching, I must buy the book) for any gift, but for $150 they'll throu in a scented candle, designed to replicate the insence recipe given in Exodus. "The church Channel is broadcast 24/7 to uplift you. Please send gifts." For $25, learn more about the fear of the Lord. Activate angels in your life with this wonderful book for $30 or more. Buy the Love revolution, entire curriculum, by Joyce Meyer. For $15, buy the DVD set "Is America a Christian Nation?"
BEWARE! Right now, in Melbourne Australia, they are meeting to create a one world church. And in Copenhagen in a few days, they are creating the one world government. END TIMES ARE HERE! How Exciting! InTouch Sailibration Bible cruise, limited space, book now! Sow your best seed, either 30, 60, or 100 dollars and recieve 6 messages on wealth creation. For 100 or more you will recieve "Royal Road to Resilience", extremely helpful in this time of recovery. Miracles do happen. Someone watching today has a sore hip. Someone watching right now. Join me! Dear Jesus please help this viewer. If you are healed, call and send donation. Donate $20 or more to "The King is Coming" On December 21, 2012, the Mayan calendar ends. Is this the start of catastrophic events? Is this the Armageddon? Order "2012, the Bible, and the end of the world" For $49 or more, recieve "Global Warning" and "Oil, Armageddon, and Terror" For $150 right now, recieve the Bible that will enrich your life. WPM subject Bible, 2 Bibles in one!

okay, you might say, every network must have ads, ads are how TV programs can be on the air in the first place. But there is a difference between advertising a vaccuum cleaner that no pet owner should live without or a Kokanee beer ('cause we all know that the minute we buy the 6-pack we'll be magically transported into a mountain chalet with 20 beautiful girls) and advertising a book or CD that will tell you how to have eternal life, how to have friends, how to not be lonely, how to get the power of healing, how to reduce the stress of being stuck at home with triplets, how to save my life. Telling someone they will go to Hell is slightly less ethical than telling someone that their brand of instant noodles is inferior

"Healers" asking for money from the bedridden and sick. The vulnerable.

Pastors with money and slick churches with rock bands and choirs asking for donations from people that attend a small country church that can barely afford their new powerpoint system and don't quite have enough in the budget for a youth leader

Book-writers and pastors, all with fake tans and plastic surgery (seriously. Not a single girl with a natural appearance. What does this say to Christian women?) giving a sermon where not a single new thing is learned. Seriously. I don't count myself a Bible expert or mature Christian (or really a Christian at all), but most of the Bible mentioned in these messages, between the special offers and "Buy my book for more information, and if you like what you heard today", I had actually MEMORISED let alone heard, by the age of 12. Its not a sermon, its a sales pitch. It pisses me off. It makes me worried about the thousands of vulnerable people.

I am worried about thousands of vulnerable people who have no where else to turn but their TV. I've only been in pain, lonely, alienated, and stressed for 2 days, and derive amusement as opposed to comfort from this, but what if I was in a bed-ridden state indefinitely. Lost. Lonely. Weak. Discouraged. I am worried about who they are giving their financial gifts to. I am worried about where they are placing their trust.

Seriously. So intrigued was I by the "News" segment (One-world church and one-world government! The new world order is upon us!) that I almost ordered the guy's book and 'Prophesy Bible' to compliment my own study of Revelation and Daniel.
And if I almost bought it, what about the masses of fanatical sheep awaiting rapture...

How do we know when we cross the line between:
In love / Out of love
A fan of Ace of Base / Not a fan of Ace of Base
(or, more realistically come to think of it, Not a fan of Ace of Base / Fan of Ace of Base)
Conservative / Liberal
Angry that the man in the rickshaw knocked me off my bike / Amused by the accident and blogging about Karachi traffic

How do we know that we are "born again"?
Did anyone sit on the couch, thinking "Not a Christian, not a Christian, not a Christian, Aha! Now, at 12:36:44, 2 June 2004, I declare Jesus to be Lord over all things, and pledge to follow him for all my life. Christian, Christian, Christian..."

But these moments can be crucial. Knowing how we are changing, being able to see a trajectory and then either halt it (in the case of, for example, becoming more angry, depressed, intolerant, fanatically religious, racist) or encourage it (thinking more highly of my mom, wanting to eat more vegetables, becoming less upset, getting over the ex, developing a desire to understand calculus - no wait, thats harmful!...)

But if we can see what is happening in these moments where our views, our emotions, our outlook are changing, would the effect be different?
In hindsight, I am glad that I left the church, but at what point along this trajectory is the point of no return?

I can recall being in a state of active belief in Jesus and involvement in the Christian community, and expressed worry that my faith was starting to slip, and the action was to prevent this from happening at all cost. "What should I do? Pray for me. I feel that my faith is dead, I am at a low point."
Near the top of the curve, I am more inclined to resist. I want to be a Christian.

And I can recall, most recently, being in a state of disbelief in Jesus, and being worried that I was still hanging on to traditions that could be detrimental, and my action was to enable my continued slide to atheism, at all cost.
Near the bottom of the curve, I am more inclined to try to speed up the process. I need to rid myself of superstitious nonsense. I want to be an atheist.

But the curve obviously isn't straight. What is the rate of change? Is there a discernible point where the two states meet?
Could an increased knowledge of calculus help me to plot the change of faith level as the limit of belief in Jesus approaches zero? Does it resemble a phase change? Is it an equlibrium reaction? How many variables? Can one make a mathematical model?

(I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not my desire to comprehend calculus is harmful.)

In relation to the "scariest part of becoming an Atheist" entry from last year.

"giving up Church is harder than quitting smoking"
- 'reformed' Christian at Forrestania

I broke up with my partner over a desire to keep travelling all year and not return to Australia. And it felt like the world went out from under me. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted my best friend back. I wanted to go back to Perth and say "I'm sorry, I was being selfish." I stayed in bed all day, and spent the next week doing nothing but think, and drink tea, and think some more. Then I got sick, and it rained for 2 weeks, and my bicycle broke, and no one would help me, and I just wanted to pick up the phone.
But I couldn't.
I was by myself. I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. No more hugs, no more love letters to compose, no more admirer watching me from across miles and miles of ocean. Just...
Nothing. Me. Alone.

But no-one would advise a serious relationship with potential life-altering consequences just to avoid being alone.

And perhaps my "relationship" with God is the same. To make the leap to being "alone," to officially cut out the part of me that has almost defined my existance ("girl, christian, canadian, geologist") for almost 24 years?
Multiply the Mal-withdrawal by 24.

Of course I'll be lonely. I'll want the church services and small groups and christmas carols and the challenge of memorizing the entire book of Romans (and no, I didn't.) I'll want my God back when I'm sick and its been raining for 2 weeks and my bicycle is broken.

But is it really bad to be alone?
Maybe it is good for me, and something to be enjoyed, but I'm simply not used to it yet.
Maybe its a better challenge than the book of Romans.

Today's bike ride, through green rice fields with the odd terrace of yellow canola, baskets of baby chicks in the markets, pink and white blossoms, an old guy with a rabbit on a leash, was a reminder that it is getting close to Easter, the holiday that most Christian children wouldn't put on top of the list (I always liked Canada day and Halloween the best, because of the excuse to blow things up) unless Mom and Dad were extra-generous with the chocolate. But it is the most important time of year. And old traditions die hard. I am in China miles away from the nearest church, and 100s of miles from the nearest church where anyone might potentially speak English, and I'm riding down the hill thinking about what I ought to give up for lent. And recalling that all the non-belief in Jesus Christ as my pesonal saviour did not stop me from attending midnight mass in Ninh Binh, Vietnam. Not a word of English, not a single familiar custom (seriously this did not resemble anything like mass, except that it was held in a cathedral at midnight on the 25th of december) but somehow this felt like something appropriate. It felt right to be there. But why? Why do people repeat the traditions of their youth well into adulthood, knowing that these things are not going to bring them salvation and that these things might even be bad for the intellect? Did I actually stop being a Christian years ago and simply not notice because there is a comfort in being one of the group, in having scripture meditation to occupy my mind, songs to sing, and prayer to get me to sleep at night?

(and before the outrage begins: no I didn't touch the bread and wine)

On the death of Faith -

Faith by its very nature is doomed to failure and nonexistence, as is any God that one had the original faith in. And here's why.
When one professes to have faith in a particular thing, they are questioned, and if they are completely honest with themselves and of an intelligent nature, they will question that belief themselves. There is rarely an individual that can have such strong blind conviction as to never question the sensibility of their beliefs.

Lack of faith, on the other hand, is a more stable situation. One rarely considers that they ought to believe in something when there previously was nothing there. Someone who has never had any thought that there even could be fairies in the garden, when left to their own devices, especially if they are over the age of 7, will likely not naturally start to wonder about the fairies. People do not, by nature, question their lack of faith in the supernatural. It takes significant effort to adopt a set of beliefs.

And yes, there are people who question their faith in their god or gods and weather the storm - they keep on believing until the day of their death, and there are people who have been completely unexposed to any form of spirituality who do start to seek something on their own, and there are people who, with the effort of family and friends, genuinely convert to all manner of religions.

But it is far easier to lose faith. An Atheist that doesn't put in an effort or give a damn will not wake up one day a Christian. A Christian that doesn't put in an effort to maintain those beliefs, however, might just wake up one day an Atheist.

I think it's time now for a loaded topic.
Some people may see this as easy, as obvious, as political, as black and white.
I don't. You shouldn't.

Now that I do not believe in God, what is my view on abortion?

Actually, its the same as it has been since a near-rape experience got me thinking about 3 years ago, except now I view pro-life activists not as wrong, annoying and slightly embarrassing to the faith, but as all-out evil. And not just the militant ones. If the church didn't support even the most tactful protest or handout of information, than there would be no tolerance whatsoever of people calling women whores, calling them murderers.

I think its a hard choice, and its the hardest choice that a girl can make. Its a choice made when there's no other way out, and its not easy. There is no easy way out of an unwanted pregnancy, and no matter what happens, whether you have a child or give it up or end the pregnancy altogether, there's always the question "what if..."

Would there be less pain if he hadn't been born at all? Is it my fault we live like this? what if...

Would I have loved him? Was I selfish? Do I ever deserve a second chance? Will I ever get my shit together and get that chance? what if...

And to take someone in a difficult situation and show that kind of hate to her is worse than "murder." At least the dead can't feel.

The thing that scared me the most about my conversion to Atheism was the thought that there was nothing there anymore. Nothing that I was living for, nothing that would be there to provide for me, nothing to look forward to in the afterlife (although, to be 100% honest, I haven't believed in heaven for quite some time).

I remember surrendering "the plan" in college. Realizing that the way I had designed my life was not ideal and there was something better out there I was missing.
But if God's not there to direct it, what is? How do I keep from going wrong?

I remember being stranded in a caravan park in the middle of nowhere and praying "please get me a ferry ticket and accommodation even though it is allegedly sold out", and just showing up on the day and having faith, and everything worked out as I wanted.
If that wasn't God's intervention, what was?

But now I can look back and say that there is, in fact, a reason to hope in this life and a reason to trust. There is a reason to give up one's possessions and help one's fellow man. In fact, there is something intensely beautiful in this world that people often miss when they're trapped in the box defined by their God.

I was hitch hiking in Victoria on my way home from Wilson's Promontory National Park, where I had just spent 4 days bushwalking and studying birds, by myself, contemplating nature, and came to the conclusion that there is something there and it is something amazing. Its called a national park. It's called Australia, its called planet Earth. Look around. Sure, we can cheapen it by saying that it was created easily by some divine being, but isn't the appreciation of our world enough? It should be.

But the more important issue at hand is who do I trust now that God is gone? And the answer is the same as it always has been. Who is there to support missionaries, who is there to give advice, who is there to volunteer?

Other people.

I got picked up on the road by three different people that week, and had no travel plan whatsoever, except that I had a flight from Melbourne to Perth already booked and a belief in the back of my head that it would work out. I had one change of clothes and a tent. And the moment I gave up any illusion of having a planned vacation, the moment I opened myself up to suggestion and went with it, I felt as good if not better than I did in college, than I did in South Australia.

Giving up your own plan and putting your trust in something you can't control is the most amazing feeling in the world.

There is still faith, trust, hope, in my life. It is far from empty.